If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
