Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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