yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
