You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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