I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
