I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
