2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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