i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
