She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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