Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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