We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
