I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
