speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
