if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize
