remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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