I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
