At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
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So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
These tits shall not be calmed
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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