In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
