he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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