Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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