Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
