I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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