If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
