He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
