i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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