We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
