Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
