I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
