Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
