I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
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On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?