So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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