Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
