what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
