I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
