Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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