Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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