you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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