wanna go halves on a baby?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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