he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
