so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
