All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
