so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
