This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
