I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
