I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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