Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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