Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
