By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize