If that was your dad, he is hot
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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