Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
