I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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