I am puke
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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