totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
