I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
